What Is Your Love Language?

We communicate the way we want to be communicated to. Unfortunately, when we do that, the person we are communicating with may not hear us or get what we are attempting to express. Therefore, it is essential that we know our own language and the language of those we are communicating with.
At the end of the day (and during the day for that matter), we all want to experience love. That is the dominant force behind being human. We are born to give love, experience love, and receive love. We communicate verbally and non-verbally to experience love, whether we are conscious of it or not. According to Gary Chapman, there are five love languages that are used to experience this quality. In his book The Five Love Languages, Gary focuses on how to express heartfelt commitment to your mate. He claims that there are five ways people express their love. They are:

1. Quality Time
2. Words of Affirmation
3. Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch

After reading his book several years ago, I had my own ‘aha’ which has translated into using this book as one of my favorite coaching tools with my clients. Prior to reading the Five Love Languages, I demonstrated my affection, love and gratitude towards my husband through ‘words of affirmation’. Specifically, I would use encouraging words, highlighting his positive traits and behaviors with appreciation and admiration. However, this never produced the connection I was hoping for. In fact, it seemed to push him away. I would notice that he would numb out or tune me out, as if he did not think what I was saying was real or had meaning. After taking the test in the book, we determined that his dominant love language is ‘acts of service’. This made total sense. The way I was communicating with him to express and experience love did not resonate with the way he experienced or expressed love. I was missing the mark.

Understanding that my husband experiences love through ‘acts of service’ invites me to be more conscious about how I connect with him. This does not mean that I don’t express myself with words of affirmation. Rather, it means that I am more aware of how he wants to experience my love and I include acts of service or acts of kindness into my behavior towards him.

Although the test in the book is incredibly helpful (and I would encourage you to take it), you don’t have to complete the test to understand the love language of yourself and others. In fact, once you become familiar with the traits of each language, you can easily identify their tendencies with family, friends and co-workers. For example, it was easy to spot my son’s language again this weekend. My husband and son were playing baseball at the beach in Bear Lake, Utah while I was sitting on a beach chair talking with a friend. All of a sudden, my son ran over to me and said, “Mommy, when I am up at bat say “Go Riley Go, Go Riley Go!” I laughed and marveled at his need for affirmation and verbal encouragement, which has been consistent ever since he was born.

Once you understand what your love language is, you can begin to identify the love language of others (those you work with, those you are in relationship with, those you interact with every day). This has been so helpful to me. Whether I am managing someone, leading someone, or supporting someone, if I can identify their love language and communicate in the way they can hear me, our relationship thrives. If communicating with someone is not working, or I sense they are in resistance to me, I have a cue that reminds me to identify their love language. Then, I have a choice to communicate in their words or mine. This conscious shift usually neutralizes the resistance and supports a more connected experience.

This week, I invite you to contemplate how effective your communication is with the relationships that mean the most to you. If there is anyone that you are not completely connecting with, observe whether you are communicating on your terms or theirs? Notice what their love language might be. Notice your own love language. Make a different choice on how you communicate and listen. Open your heart to give, experience and receive love.