Letting Go Of Who I think I Should Be

I just returned from a nine day family vacation to Hautulco, Mexico - a beautiful, quaint, authentic town on the Oaxaca peninsula of mainland Mexico. Prior to leaving, I had intended to spend a significant portion of my time-off reflecting, meditating, and journaling - none of which happened. Instead, I became very aware of the judgments and expectations I had of myself, my appetite for productivity, and the inner critic whose voice spoke loudly in my head about what I should eat or not eat, what I should drink or not drink, and what I should do or not do. Fortunately, this awareness came upon me the first two days of the trip and I was able to catch myself and make a conscious correction. I decided to let it all go. It was this choice point that led me to a sort of awakening, a deep awareness of who I am.

From that point on, I decided to observe myself with love and humor. So, whenever the inner critic became active, I would begin talking to it, using positive affirmations and sarcasm (silently to myself). Then, I would experiment by making fun of my inner critic out loud which seemed to bring humor to everyone, including myself. I found that this approach actually neutralized the self-inflicted poison that seemed to be unconsciously seeping into my being. And it was with this awareness that I realized on a deeper level that I do not always have to be serious, I do not always have to be productive, I do not always have to be fit, I do not always have to be doing what I think I should be or could be doing. The more I chose to let go of everything, the more I slipped into a state of BEINGNESS, ebbing with the rythm of the universe just like the waves coming and going on the shore.

Letting go made me realize even more how programmed we are by our culture, media, and environment. While in Hautulco, no one cared about what shape you were, what color your skin was, how big your house was, if you drove a car, or where you were from. None of that seemed to matter and yet, the people of Hautulco radiated a spirit of happiness, joy and a contentment of life. I found myself connecting with this energy and experiencing a much deeper inner peace.

When I got home to Park City, the next morning I decided to go to the gym and do some exercise to work off the plethora of corn tortillas, margaritas, and delicious mole' I had consumed on the trip. When I entered the gym, I was overwhelmed by the competitive energy that seemed to consume the space. The gym was packed at 9am and the amount of fit people intensely working out was almost shocking to my system. I realized how physically conscious people are here - what people look likes appears to matter and it feels like the search for happiness lies in ones external persona (which we all know is not true). So, I can see where my inner critic gets its fuel and support. I can see more clearly the choice I have each day to let go and unconditionally love myself, for it is a choice and one worth making.